somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
