So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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