my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Pants are for mortals
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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