wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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