dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
