I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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