Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
It's never too late to be topless.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
