so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
