Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
