I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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