We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
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