Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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