ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
