I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Randomize
