I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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