I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
