My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
