Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
