I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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