there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
