I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
