Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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