life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
