I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
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He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
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I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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