I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
