You really coming over, don't trick.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
