Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
