Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
