I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
