I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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