I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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