I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
