I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
