Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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