I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
