i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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