mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
