im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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