There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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