i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
