White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
