i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
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