Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.