So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"