Having a random hookup so left but love u
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?