What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
