my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
