just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
