you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
