Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
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He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
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Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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