isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
