In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
