I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
