She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
