I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I deserve this hangover.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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