; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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