Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
