She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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