i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
