Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
