On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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