Even the bartender felt bad for me
only you would photoshop your dick
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
