People with herpes should wear stickers.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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