Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
